“You Have Committed Crimes Against Skyrim”: Best Responses
NPCs in Skyrim are an endless source of memes, but one group of NPCs stands out among the rest, Skyrim guards. We’ve all managed to get ourselves in trouble with the law in Skyrim once or twice. Be it due to killing a chicken or accidentally Fus-Ro-Dah-ing innocent citizens, you can be sure that the guards will deliver to you the most zealous of lines regarding your crimes. One such line is “You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people, what say you in your defense?” This line alone managed to generate a ton of funny replies and memes, and we scoured the internet to find the best of them all.
1. Caught messing around with a chicken
We all know how protective Skyrim guards are when it comes to chicken, this player in the end decided to settle the matter with his gold.
2. Thinly veiled threats
This player decided to play the “Dawnstar Sanctuary card.” I don’t know about you but maybe letting the guard know that you are a part of infamous groups of assassins is not the best idea to resort to.
3. Guards in Skyrim don’t care
Even when you literally saved the world of the mythical soul-devouring dragon, the guards in Skyrim still won’t cut you some slack. On the other hand, it’s impressive how unwavering their commitment to the law and principles are.
4. It’s werewolf time
Violence is as good as any response if you know you pack enough power to get rid of those pesky guards. However, turning into a werewolf in front of them is only going to make your bounty higher, and your bounty sure as hell won’t magically disappear.
5. Innocent Khajiit
We know how Khajiits are discriminated against in Skyrim, the fact that they are not even allowed in the cities makes this response even funnier.
6. Playing the Thane card
Do you know what the best part is about becoming Thane of every hold? You get to brag to guards about it, and they are forced to forgive your crimes. You walk away casually with a trail of lifeless chickens behind you.
7. Sneaky response
One of the best parts of playing a stealthy character is the fact that you can get away with almost anything if your sneak skill is high enough. You can put 20+ arrows into guards from a hidden place and they will comment how “must have been the wind” or some generic nonsense similar to this.
8. Shouting your crimes away
Here is a visual representation of what happens when you attempt to arrest Dragonborn.
9. Resorting to reloading the last save
This player from Reddit knows that sometimes you need to resort to reloading the last save. It’s the quickest, most painless way to get out of trouble with guards.
10. Resorting to cheats
Reddit user Skoonie12 knows that the guards (and the rest of the Skyrim NPCs in general) are powerless against cheats.
11. Do you get to the Cloud District often?
This player knows that if you got into trouble while you were passing through Whiterun, the chances are you’ve attacked a stuck-up, incredibly annoying Nazeem who absolutely deserved it.
12. Animals are able to witness against you in Skyrim apparently
Have you ever noticed that your horse can rat you out to the city guards if you commit a crime in their presence? It makes no sense whatsoever, but it seems that Skyrim’s guards take accounts of common farm animals and beasts of burden seriously.
13. Damned dragons
There’s nothing more annoying than when you get in trouble with the law while you’re trying to save some random insignificant village from dragons.
14. One more chicken witness
This player noticed as well that animals, for some reason, count as witnesses in Skyrim. Perhaps it’s time for a new strategy: placing buckets on the heads of chickens and horses.
15. Friendly fire
Sometimes, the highest bounty you can have in the hold is a consequence of you trying to join forces with the local guards and local populace in order to fight a dragon threat or vampire threat. In the midst of chaos, a spell or two just might happen to hit a guard or several guards.
16. Dragon bone economy will collapse
This player knows Skyrim’s fragile dragon bone economy will collapse if they put the only person able to acquire the material rot in prison, and he’s not afraid to use it as an argument to get out of the sentence.
17. Skyrim guards are asleep when it counts
It seems like Skyrim guards are only around to protect tomatoes that you can accidentally pick up when you’re trying to interact with the NPCs. When the vampires attack, they are nowhere in sight.
18. Detained in Skyrim
You don’t have to answer for your crimes or pay a bounty in Skyrim if you don’t recognize the current government as legitimate. The only thing you need to do in order for it to work is scream loudly that you are a sovereign citizen of Tamriel.
19. It’s always because of the chicken
It seems like most responses and memes on this list are associated with unfortunate scenarios related to attacking chickens in Skyrim.
20. Mass murders in Morthal due to a sweet roll
If you quicksave often enough, you have nothing to lose while you’re trying to test your sweet new Daedric artifacts on guards.
And that’s pretty much it. We hope you had a good laugh while browsing those hilarious yet very relatable responses to Skyrim’s guards.
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